Wednesday, April 12, 2006

My Interview with The Screaming Intruder

I was, like most of you I'm sure, deeply intrigued by what The Screaming Intruder had to say that the Secret Service were so anxious to keep under wraps that they sicked dogs and tazers on him Abu Ghraib-style. As luck would have it, The Intruder has graciously agreed to an interview. Let's find out what makes this man tick, shall we?


Me: Good Morning, Mr. Intruder. I'm sorry, that sounds so formal. Should I call you "Scream" or maybe "The Trude...?"




TSI: I HAVE INTELLIGENCE!




Me: Yes, yes. We're all quite impressed with the kind of intelligence that it takes to throw oneself over the fence at one of the most heavily guarded public buildings in America. But moving on. What exactly IS this intelligence, and where did you get it?




TSI: THE PRESIDENT MUST KNOW! I'VE BEEN A VICTIM OF TERRORISM!




Me: Really? What kind of terrorism?




TSI: ALIEN TERRORISM! THEY ABDUCTED ME AND FORCED ME TO RECITE CHAUCER!




Me: ...




TSI: Well, okay, maybe it wasn't Chaucer. Might have been "Goodnight Moon." It's all there in my repressed memories...a few more sessions with my hypnotherapist and memory recall facilitator and I should have it all.




Me: Riiiiight. So, why tell the President? Why not just call Scully and Mulder at the FBI? {{snicker}}




TSI: I CALLED THE FBI! THEY WON'T ADMIT THAT AGENT MULDER EXISTS! THEY MUST BE IN ON IT. THE PRESIDENT MUST KNOW! THE ALIENS ARE AMONG US! ALL OVER THE COUNTRY! AND THEY ARE PLANNING TO TAKE OVER!




Me: Yeah. Soo...how did you come to know this highly sensitive information?




TSI: IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS! THAT, AND THE ALIEN CEREBRAL TRANSCEIVER IMPLANTED IN MY BRAIN DURING THE LAST ABDUCTION! THEY'RE READY TO START THE NEXT PHASE OF THEIR PLAN! THEY WANT THE SOUTHWEST!




Me: ...




TSI: ...




Me: And I'm thinking maybe these aliens snuck into the country through, oh say, Mexico?




TSI: YOU KNOW IT TOO?! MAYBE YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! GET BACK! I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!




Me: Uh....




TSI: ZOLTON! HE'S THEIR LEADER! {{froth}} AND THE ZARGONS ARE IN ON IT TOO! {{gurgle}} AND THE CANADIANS! {{drooolll}} AND TOM DELAY! AND..{{twitch...twitch}}





ME: ...




TSI: ....





Me: zzzzzzzTTTTTTTTTTTTT!



TSI: nnnngggggaaaaahhhh.....nnntt--t-t-ttt-gaaaaa...




Me: My, my. Tazers DO come in handy. Well, that's about all the time we have for today. Thanks for tuning in!