Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Whitey no mo'!

I intend to start a cultural revolution, one which is long overdue, I must assert and aver.

I no longer wish to be referred to as "white" in the context of race, culture, or social demographic. I find the term "white" to be too demeaning. White is so plain, so vanilla, so lacking in the kind of character that other colors enjoy. There is no white in the rainbow of diversity. White is the background, the color of the page on which the words-- which are what really matter -- are written in black.

White is the color of snow, which bears an unfortunate connotation related to cocaine, which is an illegal drug, the source of so much suffering and societal decay.

From now on, I want to be referred to as "Anglo-American." I want to start a movement to embrace the proud cultural contributions of our anglo-american ancestors. I want to be mixed in with that rich, frothy stew of hyphenated Americans which so permeates our cultural landscape today. By just being "white," I am excluded from a whole spectrum of cultural and racial benefits.

We can get an "Anglo-American Heritage Week." Schools and governments can conduct anglo-american sensitivity training to address the special needs and contriubtions of anglos. We can have posters on the walls of libraries and shopping malls heralding those downtrodden anglos who rose above their circumstances in a world all too ready to dismiss the contributions of merely "white" people.

White people are branded as the source of so much of what is wrong in this country today. Let us therefore instead embrace the Anglo-American culture, with its rich tradition of inventing things like airplanes, printing presses, automobiles, penicillin, free-market capitalism, and representative republics.

No more to be cast in that plain plaster mold, no more marshmallow-like anonymity, no more blank movie screen of conformism and group-think. We shall embrace our Anglo-American status proudly, and demand in a clear and confident voice, free of the fear that has plagued our people for so long, that we, too, deserve affirmative action quoats, in reparation for years of oppression at the hands of feminists and liberal educators on college campuses.

Anglos of the world, cast off the chains of your milky white unexceptionalism! Celebrate your anglo-ness! And let no man or woman suggest that your are a second class citizen just because of the color of your skin.